i carried this for years.
"You seemed very curious as a newborn Boop. It seemed as if you were absorbing EVERYTHING. You had a very intense and piercing gaze, but not in a bad way. You were a happy baby, always smiling. You were also a trick baby (not the pimp, prostitute type of trick) but the kind of baby that was so easy that it tricked you into thinking that yep, I could do it again. Lol" - Kimberly Banks (My Mom)
Feeling motherless had become embedded in the fabric of who I was for so long. I truly believed I was unworthy of a mother's love. I taught myself that if a mother didn't want her child then the child was not enough. I truly believed that. I spent years feeling unsafe, unloved, and neglected but something in me couldn't pull away from the hope that one day I would be able to ask my mom "When did you realize that you couldn't take care of me?".
Asking the hard questions was something I prayed about. I wanted the courage to ask, to mend a strained relationship, to accept what the truth was even if I didn't like the way it made me feel. Through therapy and my own spiritual journey I found myself doing the unraveling of what happens to a motherless child. When I got to the core, there she was, me, 7 years old holding on to an oversize Tigger shirt and a stuffed pig that smelled like my mother. She was unsafe. unloved, and neglected and she carried that with her in those items.
As I talked to her I found out that she didn't hate her mother, no, she loved her mother more than anything else. She had questions that needed answers and she was waiting for me to ask them. She was waiting for me to release all of the assumptions and get the facts.
Last year I got to ask my mom those questions. I asked her about her childhood, her adult life, and the question that haunted me everyday --- why couldn't you keep me? I learned that she, in her late 20s, felt helpless and lost. I could tell she had been working on herself because her responses were clear and genuine. We talked for hours.
As the conversation pressed on I realized something. I never looked at my mother as another woman -- always as this goddess like person who denied me their love. I never thought fully about her own life traumas or her own mental health battles. I was a child and the thought of going to school and having people ask where my mom was haunted me. Mother's Day made me sick and I hated holidays. As I got older I swore off all children in hopes that I wouldn't be like her.
I was a child but now I am a woman. I am a woman who is in her late 20s dealing with things that have sent me over the edge. Things that have made me question my own existence. I can feel my mother's trauma and pain through my own. I can finally relate.
My mother, although absent for most of childhood, has always loved me. No matter how mad I get through this process of creating our own relationship --- she still loves me. She encourages me and reminds me of who I am -- every single time we speak. She makes me laugh. She makes me remember what it felt like to lie in her arms even when we are miles apart. I haven't hugged my mother or seen her in 5 years but I can remember her scent. Being able to just call her about anything has changed my entire life and I will be able to hug her again, very soon.
Family hasn't always been the kindest to me but I value the relationships I am building with them now. I am rewriting our history one relationship at a time. I am the missing piece that will complete this puzzle.
I was told once by a good friend that I am here to break my family curses. I am here to wash away my families shame. I am here to heal and save my family and that starts with my mother.
Come shine with me!
deactivate.
It’s Mental Health Awareness Month and I have deactivated my twitter account. Let me explain how it got to this point. Social media is a big influence on our lives. It is can really infiltrate your mind and spirit. I love social media and have dedicated my own academic research to it. I love to study how people use it and how it impacts the minds of those who look like me but I never realized how much it impacted my life until my therapist said something.
We all know by now that what we ingest becomes a part of us. We are not removed from absorbing the energies of others – good or bad. Everyone is inherently good and inherently bad. That’s just the reality of it all. This applies to our social media accounts too.
For the last 3 weeks or so I have been finding myself using Twitter less and less. I have always found myself feeling anxious when certain topics are brought up. I have also felt anger, sadness, and even jealousy in the past. On the flipside, I love networking and talking to people online who have the same interests as me. What has pulled me away from Twitter is the noise. The opinions, commentary, and bickering that comes with having many different types of people on one platform and I am not equipped to handle that – at least not right now.
My friend Ashley had some posts on her IG story where she talked about curating your timeline to align with who you are at that moment. It resonated with me because I have found myself attempting to silence the noise of a timeline I created based on past interests and ties to people I’ve met. At first, I was muting, blocking, and unfollowing people but then that became overwhelming. My therapist has worked very hard with me to stop oversharing online and to also not use social media as a diary. LIFE CHANGING, okay?! Learning to disconnect and keep my personal business – personal, has been helpful – especially when I am dealing with my own mental health. The good days can turn into bad days if I see something that is triggering or if someone is just being negative online. The way we speak about protecting our energy is so beautiful and I think that it applies to your mind and also your social media accounts.
It’s sometimes frustrating to constantly have to filter my social media accounts to make sure it aligns but the work has to be done. In order to grow and continue on my own journey, I have to be realistic about my attachment to social media and the relationship I have with it. There is NOTHING wrong with using social media but I do believe, for myself, it can be a battle of the noise vs. my own inner thoughts and ideas. I have to work on separating the two.
When manic or depressive, social media usually doesn’t help. That is when I over share the most and that is when I can put myself in situations I don’t want to be in. When I am feeling low I don’t want to see certain things but I have always had trouble REALLY disconnecting without finding myself back online. I also have this fear that if I disconnect from Twitter that my blog will go unnoticed or I will not get some of the opportunities I have gotten in the past. My blog has it’s own Twitter but it doesn’t have as big of a following as I do on my personal account. But really, why do I care? SEE, this is why I need to take a break. I need to find out why these things matter in this way. I know what is for me is for me but I still attach that success to my online presence.
It is a big part of our lives and my life but in order to heal, I have to really set some boundaries for my damn self. So, as a Black woman who battles with her own mental health, I have found that disconnecting has helped me work on my own shit. I love the support I get online but I also don’t like the feeling of needing validation from others in order to feel good about myself. This may not be you but it has been a trend in my life at times. For now, I am deactivating my account, in 3 weeks I may reactivate it, or I may wait the full 30 days and allow my account to be irretrievable forever. I don’t know.
My mental health is more important to me than being on certain websites that can stunt my own growth. It is okay to say “this is becoming too much” and dip. There is nothing wrong with doing that. There is also nothing wrong with going away and coming back. Your mental health is important and in order to really grow you have to be realistic with yourself about your weaknesses and lack of self-control when it comes to certain websites that may be filling you with a lot of negativity. The noise can really alter how you grow. It can really test you and your foundation. The noise can make you revert. In order to preserve myself, I have to remove myself from things that can make me revert or at least try my hardest to do so.
The shit just isn’t fun anymore and I am mentally exhausted. How do you disconnect when it all becomes too much? Do you disconnect at all? Comment below with your thoughts!
Come shine with me!
roots.
Poetry month is coming to an end and I honestly have enjoyed every moment of sharing my work with you all. I have a small following of readers and it's a blessing to know that someone is interested in my work and actually finds it helpful in some way.
With everything that has been happening this year in my life unexpectedly, I have found that being outside and planting my feet into the grass is one of the most therapeutic things for me. I have noticed that I am more concise with my words and I am starting to find myself not interested in the things that used to occupy my mind and time. With every moment outside amongst the flowers, birds, trees, and sounds of the wind I find myself becoming more open to the possibility of putting my phone down and allowing myself to become one with the outside -- even if just for a moment.
Being grounded is something I have always struggled with. I often found myself trying to control things that were totally out of my control. Past trauma and pain and "the struggle" are embedded in the fabric of who I am but that didn't mean that I had to be married to those emotions, that pain, and those memories. I was operating out of a place of "I have to struggle in order for my life to mean something" and sometimes I still think that way.
To combat that I force myself outside as a reminder that I do not have control of anything -- except my reactions. I can choose what to keep and what to let go. I can choose what to divorce that is no longer serving me. Being outside is a reminder that as long as I can plant my feet into the ground and allow myself to breathe for a moment that life goes on.
I have been using Twitter less and less daily but I posted something recently that not only resonates deeply with me but seems to resonate with others. I said,
I meant that with every bone and breath in my body. I am really tired of being married to the struggle and to that struggle mentality. I am not a victim anymore. My life will have ups and downs that I cannot control. The only thing I can control is how many moments I can allow myself to go outside, plant my feet into the ground, and breathe freely.
Next month is #MentalHealthAwareness month. I will be taking a hiatus from my personal social media accounts to focus on some inner work for a few weeks. I have some great features for next month's blog from some of my favorite people. Follow the blog's Twitter and Instagram for updates! I will be using those accounts during my hiatus from my personal accounts to keep you all updated on posts.
Poetry month has been a blessing to me. I hope it's been a blessing to you too.
Fin.
Come shine with me!
split.
I am an advocate for mental health because it has not only impacted the lives of those I love but also my life. I rarely talk about this in my blog or in conversation but in 2015 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder ll and PTSD from childhood trauma. Dealing with my own mental health all of my life has been a struggle prior to treatment. I found myself in denial most times and blaming myself for the way I felt.
Having Bipolar Disorder has been a very difficult yet eye-opening experience for me. Each day I learn more about myself and I learn how to accept myself. I am thriving through my disorders and they are only a small part of the beautiful person I am.
Mania is the hardest part for me. I feel irritable, I spend money I shouldn't, I can isolate myself, feel paranoid at night, not sleep, not eat or eat terribly, my speech becomes rapid, I have many ideas and I have even put myself in dangerous situations or have exhibited risky behavior. I can be flaky and cancel things that I would normally love doing. I can make decisions that I will regret later -- this shows in my hair cutting. I used to self-harm 4 years ago during these episodes. I don't anymore.
It used to be my depressive episodes that were the hardest. They would last longer than normal and make me feel empty inside. I would be depressed for months and months. I would be void of emotion almost. Barely crying, laughing and smiling as a way to seem normal, not feeling attached to anything or anyone. Drinking and smoking to socialize with the group or to be able to just hang out with people for long periods of time that were not in my core group of friends.
Treatment saved my life and it made it so I could better cope and identify what was going on. I have never felt comfortable talking about my symptoms or writing poetry about it that I would like to share. Today, I am manic, yesterday, I was manic. I am okay with saying this. I am okay with this part of me. I am thriving with a mental illness. I am high-achieving, I am witty, I am loving, caring, and a goofball.
This is my first poem about having bipolar disorder. As an advocate for mental health, I am comfortable with being transparent in this moment. My therapist and my support system have helped me reach this point.
Enjoy.
Come shine with me!
pure.
Today is a special day for me. It is the day that the love of my life was born. My husband is hands down an angel. I rarely write love poems because it is so hard for me to put into words the happiness I feel thanks to his love. My husband is so deserving of celebration because his light shines so brightly.
Love is an action word as most of us have heard before or experienced. I never really understood what that meant until I met my husband. As cliche as it sounds, he is really an angel on Earth. He has a white aura around him which stands for purity, angelic attributes, the beginning, and the destination.
I have learned through loving him and being loved by him that things always work out. No matter what, having faith and being hopeful always work out. He has shown me this so much in the 5 years of being in his life through how he lives his life.
So many blessings are given to him because he believes in himself. I think that is something that has rubbed off on me. He has taught me how to be stoic, how to be okay with not being okay, how to seek help and not be ashamed, and how to do what is in my best interest no matter what others may think.
He is a very private man and doesn't celebrate himself outwardly like I would like him to. He is content with who he is as a person and loves his solitude. That is something I have learned to not only love about him but I have also found myself enjoying those moments of solitude as well. Sitting in silence with him and reading or just enjoying the scenery in our backyard has become some of my favorite moments with him.
He is the epitome of someone who listens actively and provides sound advice when needed. I am forever grateful to have found a true love so young and to be able to grow up with him each day.
Here is a poem I wrote to celebrate him. True love exists.
