20 Things I Know for Sure
It’s been a while. Shit has happened and I am back, hopefully, with a more consistent schedule. I would ask for your forgiveness and grace but to be honest with you all ——it is what it is. As you all know I was severely ill and faced death twice. I learned so much during those moments in time and I realize now that I know nothing at all. As we embark on the winter solstice and the new decade I felt like it would be fitting to write about the 20 things I have learned over the last 20 years. This is also a call to action — to you all—- to do the same. You can share it with me or not. It really does not matter. I think just the reflection alone is enough. I am revamping my blog and website (peep the new URL), I have been doing some photoshoots (get into these looks), and I am aiming to bring some more dynamic content to my website on my own terms. But let’s get to the meat and potatoes of it all —-what are 20 things I know for sure.
photo : @rlwesleyphoto (IG) | website
crystal crown: @thecrystalbruja (IG) | website
shirt: @whole_loaf (IG)
“Pageant the pain away”
I am a performer. I have been performing since I was a little girl. I performed happiness, joy, “being okay”, beauty standards, etc. I performed in school, at home, amongst family and friends but the best performance I have done for years is the one I do for myself. Beyonce’s song Pretty Hurts, although about physical beauty, resonates with me internally. I often found myself being methodical about all parts of myself to fit a mold. My personality had to be big to cover for how small I truly felt. My achievements had to be monumental to shield myself from my own self-deprecating behavior. I had to be the best at everything and even when I was told I was the best —- I felt as if I was not. Being an inspiration, motivation, and role model were titles that were forced on me. I didn’t ask for these things but with each title, I performed harder, better, longer — with no breaks and no downtime. I used the pageantry of life as an attempt to belong, to feel less alone, to feel whole. None of that shit worked. I still found myself self-harming, contemplating suicide, feeling alone. Compliments were bandaids that were too small. I was never satisfied with myself. From this, I learned that I cannot pageant the pain away. No matter how many accolades I get, compliments I receive, or titles I have —-I have to do the inner work. I HAD to do the inner work. That was the only way I could find satisfaction with myself.
The support you need vs the support you think you need are not the same
Okay, so check it, I DID NOT REALIZE THAT ALL SUPPORT AIN’T THE SUPPORT I NEED. When I got sick, I thought I needed my support system to look a certain way. I truly thought I needed people to text and call me daily to check in on me. I thought I needed a rallying of the troops on social media. I thought I needed constant and consistent bodies but I did not. I quickly realized that I did not need those things. I needed support in other ways. I needed visitors, facetime dates that didn’t revolve around my illness, monetary support, food, medical supplies, and space. I had to come to terms with the fact that not everyone knows how to support me and that was really because I didn’t know how I wanted to be supported and I needed to figure it out. Once I figured it out after having several meltdowns and deleting most of my social media accounts —I was able to advocate for myself in a better way. I was able to say, without feeling shameful, “Hey thanks for thinking of me but texting me constantly asking how I am doing is not helpful or effective. Here are the ways you can support me during this time.” It was hard as hell at first. I had been programmed to believe that It was ungrateful to decline help because any form of help is better than nothing —- THAT IS FALSE. You should be getting the help you actually NEED and the help that is EFFECTIVE. Declining something that serves no purpose does not mean you are ungrateful.
Your family does not need to be privy to all of your business
Now, this is something my dear cousin Tammy taught me when I graduated from college. I have been in a constant emotional battle (it is one-sided because I have never confronted this person about it) with a family member who I hold in high regard. I used to constantly —even up until recently— expect them to love me the way others do and to be proud of me in the way others are. Because of this, I overshared so much to make them feel included and then I would be distraught when they didn’t exclaim with joy or hurt at things that were happening to me and for me. I truly thought I was obligated to share things. That is a lie from the pits of hell. Your family DOES NOT need to know the ins and outs of your life. You can choose what to share with them but many things can be kept to the chest. Learning this hard hard lesson time and time again has really snatched me of my edges. Your girl is bald at this point. Now, instead of running to overshare to try and forge relationships or build relationships —- I go to people who celebrate me, comfort me, affirm me and I am mindful of what information is for everybody and what can just be for me. It is hard but it has helped me become a more private person and that brings me peace.
People think they know you and they don’t
I told y’all earlier that I am a performer and so many of my performances in life have created an audience of people who THINK they know me and THINK they have full access to me and they do not. This is annoying. We all have experienced this. We may have also been on the other end of thinking we know someone and we don’t. People have many layers, sides, traits. People are constantly changing and evolving. You may have met a person 5 years ago but that doesn’t mean they are that same person today. This is also an issue with boundaries, I will talk about that next. People believe, especially with social media, that they can communicate with you about any and everything without any regard to your personal autonomy. People invite themselves into your space and demand that you be who they THINK you should be. They demand the play by play of the things you CHOOSE to share and then take it personally when you tell them that you don’t feel comfortable giving them the whole damn tea kettle on your life. This happens to me OFTEN. I am aware now as to why this happens and I try not to think too deeply to understand people who don’t understand boundaries. That is dead, we off that. We show people who we are and what we are on our own terms. Everything else is a privilege. You can feel connected to a part of someone but understand that there are many parts to the whole and be mindful of what demands you present in the guise of “oh but I know them”.
People can be habitual line-steppers
Boundaries.Boundaries.Boundaries. So many of us fall short of understanding and respecting boundaries. We are entitled and demanding at times and it is truly trash. Who are we to demand so much of others who set boundaries upon us? Why can’t we respect said boundaries? I think it’s because we struggle with accepting that we do not and cannot control others like we think we can. People have the right to set hard boundaries and when the boundary infringes on you and your ideals it’s a problem. I have been here and I will experience this again and again because…human. The thing I am learning is that I can check myself before I become a habitual line-stepper. If a boundary is set and I am aware of the boundary —- I make a conscious effort to not cross it. I also think HARD AND LONG before I do things that may be considered boundary-crossing. Let’s chat about examples for a moment. If someone is sick and they post something about it, it is not your job to go to them and ask for the play by play. That is a mess. If someone DIES —- please do not post on the family member or friends page “How they die?” that’s not your damn business. If someone says “I do not like when people do xyz or call me xyz” don’t do xyz to them or call them xyz. It’s really that simple.
Things fall apart
One thing I struggled immensely with most of my life is understanding that things can and will and sometimes will and can often, very very often, fall apart. I always found myself in a race with fate and I always ended up distraught at the sheer thought of things not going well. I really believed at one point that I was the target of God’s sick joke. I believed that if something terrible was to happen then it would happen to your girl without a doubt and it did and it would. Woo. Let me say this — things fall apart. There is no if, ands, or buts about it. Sometimes bad shit happens and them are the breaks. Once I came to terms with the fact that this shit is not a personal attack and that I cannot outrun bad things happening —it became easier for me to deal with hard times in a healthier way. At first, it took me learning the same lessons over and over and over again but eventually I got my mind wrapped around these hard truths. I am living in reality now and although it’s not always pleasant it is much better than whatever the fuck else I was doing.
Things do get better
It really internally disgusts me to say this with such confidence because I can be very realistic to the point of pessimism but things DO get better. Now, don’t ask me for a timeline because I AIN’T GOT THE ANSWERS SWAY. But what I do know for sure is 13 months ago I was being told I had an infection that would never go away, I couldn’t walk without assistance, and I was bedridden and now none of these things are my reality. Things DO get better. When you are in the trenches it damn sure doesn’t feel like it. You literally are battling with your mind and the reality of what you are dealing with constantly. You are in this complicated web of horror and hope. You are truly just trying to get TF ASAP. But believe me when I tell you things DO get better. My life’s story is truly something out of a twisted Tyler Perry play and if I could give you an inside scoop on the bullshit that I have dealt with you would be like “Sis, how are you still with us and so well adjusted?” I would tell you I AIN’T GOT THE ANSWERS SWAY. Because I don’t. All I can say is literally hold on with the tightest grip you got and be the flow. This shit can truly be the pits but it does, eventually, one day(not sure which day) get better.
Relationships go through cycles
As most of you know I have had a very unhealthy relationship with many of my family members and some friends. One thing I know FOR SURE is relationships go through cycles and changes. I have mended and ended so many relationships over the last 20 years that I am surprised at where I am at now with certain people. All relationships go through cycles and stop trying to control them.
Your parent is just a human who happens to be your parent
I could write books and books about this. Y’all, in 2020, we have to really come to terms with these hard truths —- our parents are just humans. They are not special beings who have superpowers. They are not our saviors. They are not to be put on a pedestal. Once we realize this we can accept them for who they are and where they are. Our parents are operating from a place of their own childhood shit JUST LIKE US. They didn’t just appear on the Earth to be your parents. They had their own experiences and traumas. They may also be avoiding therapy. Shit, they may be projecting their own shit onto you. With all that being said — extend some compassion, set some boundaries (protect yourself), and accept them for who they are. That’s all you can do.
Some things just cannot and will not be understood and that is OKAY
I have a problem with trying to understand why people do the things they do. I really be baffled y’all. I mean FLABBERGASTED at the things people do and say that just don’t quite make sense to me. You know what I have learned and am continually reminding myself—- ACCEPTING DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND. Hear me out — I can accept someone for where they are at in life without trying to understand the method to their madness. Also, minding my damn business is the major key. When I find myself trying too hard to understand I say to myself “Self, this ain’t your business. You don’t need to understand.”
Stress can and will try to kill you
I don’t need to go into this because y’all know this. Stress can and will kill you. Ask me how I know? (inserts Mr.Krabs filter)
Stop trying to plan every single detail of your life —- it’s a recipe for disaster
As someone who used to operate from a place and spirit of “do too much” I can speak first hand to how trying to plan your future down to the type of shoes you will wear is ridiculous. Stop it. You don’t have that much control and you cannot predict every damn thing. You look like a fool. You are a fool. Life will humble you. A wrench will be thrown in your plan. You’re out here planning 5 years down the line and you don’t even know what’s for dinner tonight. PLEASE STOP DOING THIS. I am yelling at myself too. When that “do too much” spirit starts overtaking your body tell that bitch to BACK BACK. We don’t need those types of problems. Refer to number 11. Recipe for disaster.
We create stories about people based on limited information and it’s just not healthy
My therapist tells me this about myself and I hate her (love her) for it. One thing I have learned is that I find myself creating scenarios of how people will act or respond knowing damn well I do not know this for sure. Like I said earlier people think they know you when they do not. This is my truth. I do this often. It never serves me well and I am always disappointed. When I stop expecting things from people outside of what they have shown me to be true I can stop creating stories about them and who they are/ should be in my head.
WE ALL NEED THERAPY OF SOME SORT
Listen I do not and will not go back and forth with y’all about this any longer. We all and I mean ALL need some form of therapy. Finding a good therapist (there are so many different forms of therapy) can be super beneficial. Will you find the best option on the first try? Probably not. Does this mean you should swear off all therapy? HELL NO. How many times have you gone to that restaurant to “give it another try”? Or how many times have you had to cook something a few times before perfecting it. DO NOT GIVE UP. Your brain health is just as important as anything else. Please take care of your whole self. Therapy changed my entire life. I have been going since 2015 consistently and let me tell you this— I WILL GO UNTIL I DIE.
Struggle love is not love
That’s it.
Sometimes you are the problem
I always knew deep down inside that I was the problem in a lot of situations but baby I refused to speak it. I have learned that holding myself accountable is the highest form of self-awareness and extending myself grace as I process and correct my wrongs is the highest form of self-love.
Keeping something for yourself is the best policy
I have always been an open book to a degree. I love to be transparent so “No OnE CAn THrOW sHIT BaCK iN mY FaCe” headass. Girl, please. Keeping some things to the chest and being private is the best idea. Oversharing is not healthy and it’s not really needed. Social media, yeah I am going there, has made it easy for us to share the ins and outs of our lives CONSTANTLY. It’s not needed. It’s invasive. It’s just messy. We don’t have to tell it all to be real. We can be real and still keep something for ourselves. I don’t feel less authentic when I don’t give y’all my play by play anymore. I understand now that it is truly a waste of time and it gives people access they do not need or honestly deserve.
Some lessons are learned multiple times before they are LEARNED
Now, listen, this is that moment where you hear that sound after a bomb goes off and your ears start bleeding and everything is in slow motion. We are going to learn some things time and time and time and time again until we LEARN them. I mean I do not know how else to say this. I feel like my Aunt Irene has said this to me before and I probably ignored her but sis was right.
It’s not what you say but how you say it
As someone who is very direct and straightforward I can be experienced as aggressive. I am not. What I have learned is that it isn’t what I am saying it is my delivery. I have learned that I can still be direct while being compassionate and I can still be straightforward while extending grace. Once I understood this and applied it — people started to really pick up what the fuck I was putting down.
I know nothing at all
I have been writing for about 20 years now. I started with songs, then poems, then stories and now I am writing blog posts, academic articles, and curriculums. One thing I have learned is that I am a scholar and a student of life. I am also a teacher and a guide. Being these things has taught me that even when I think I know — I DO NOT know. That is what keeps me thirsty for knowledge and that what makes me want to learn more about people. Understanding that I do not know nothing at all makes it easier for me to admit when I am wrong and to understand when others admit that they are wrong. It forces me to embrace myself in my wrongness and try again. It gives me permission to feel everything and to experience everything in full color.
I hope that these resonate and if they don’t —that’s cool too. See y’all in 2020.
judgement day.
It’s been 160 days. That’s 5 months, 9 days, and 16 hours since I have touched this blog. No lie, I was on the verge of just deadin’ this shit and pretending it never happened but how? It would be physically impossible for me to stop doing the one thing that is possible no matter how sad I am, mad I am, defeated I am, etc. Writing is such a big part of my life and self-expression keeps me healing.
I am still not in remission yet but THAT is not the basis of this blog, judgment is. And I am not talking about judging myself, I am referring to that judging little chick inside my head that judges others. It is about time that I hold myself accountable. We all judge and quite frankly, when it comes to me, I am over it.
I want to work on accepting people for where they are and to understand that their freedom may present different than mine and that is OKAY. I am not the gatekeeper of self-development or getting free. As much as I love to empower others, I can think terrible things in my head and I am working day and night to change that. Judging others for their journey is not what I want to project. I want to cultivate understanding, compassion, grace.
So, this is my plan. Every single time I catch myself internally going “why are they ____?”, I ask myself “why not?”. Whenever I turn my nose up, I will try to go inward and ask myself “How does their happiness impact yours? IT DOESN’T”. Because who am I to determine what freedom, happiness, joy, overcoming, strength,looks like for anybody else? I have been doing this for about a week or so now and it is hard but for me, it is NEEDED.
We all have things we don’t get about others but that is okay. I want to accept others as I learn to accept myself. I want to judge others less as I learn to judge myself less. I want to embrace people where they are even if it’s from a distance as they embark on this journey like I am. The more I learn to accept the more I’ll learn to love.
deactivate.
It’s Mental Health Awareness Month and I have deactivated my twitter account. Let me explain how it got to this point. Social media is a big influence on our lives. It is can really infiltrate your mind and spirit. I love social media and have dedicated my own academic research to it. I love to study how people use it and how it impacts the minds of those who look like me but I never realized how much it impacted my life until my therapist said something.
We all know by now that what we ingest becomes a part of us. We are not removed from absorbing the energies of others – good or bad. Everyone is inherently good and inherently bad. That’s just the reality of it all. This applies to our social media accounts too.
For the last 3 weeks or so I have been finding myself using Twitter less and less. I have always found myself feeling anxious when certain topics are brought up. I have also felt anger, sadness, and even jealousy in the past. On the flipside, I love networking and talking to people online who have the same interests as me. What has pulled me away from Twitter is the noise. The opinions, commentary, and bickering that comes with having many different types of people on one platform and I am not equipped to handle that – at least not right now.
My friend Ashley had some posts on her IG story where she talked about curating your timeline to align with who you are at that moment. It resonated with me because I have found myself attempting to silence the noise of a timeline I created based on past interests and ties to people I’ve met. At first, I was muting, blocking, and unfollowing people but then that became overwhelming. My therapist has worked very hard with me to stop oversharing online and to also not use social media as a diary. LIFE CHANGING, okay?! Learning to disconnect and keep my personal business – personal, has been helpful – especially when I am dealing with my own mental health. The good days can turn into bad days if I see something that is triggering or if someone is just being negative online. The way we speak about protecting our energy is so beautiful and I think that it applies to your mind and also your social media accounts.
It’s sometimes frustrating to constantly have to filter my social media accounts to make sure it aligns but the work has to be done. In order to grow and continue on my own journey, I have to be realistic about my attachment to social media and the relationship I have with it. There is NOTHING wrong with using social media but I do believe, for myself, it can be a battle of the noise vs. my own inner thoughts and ideas. I have to work on separating the two.
When manic or depressive, social media usually doesn’t help. That is when I over share the most and that is when I can put myself in situations I don’t want to be in. When I am feeling low I don’t want to see certain things but I have always had trouble REALLY disconnecting without finding myself back online. I also have this fear that if I disconnect from Twitter that my blog will go unnoticed or I will not get some of the opportunities I have gotten in the past. My blog has it’s own Twitter but it doesn’t have as big of a following as I do on my personal account. But really, why do I care? SEE, this is why I need to take a break. I need to find out why these things matter in this way. I know what is for me is for me but I still attach that success to my online presence.
It is a big part of our lives and my life but in order to heal, I have to really set some boundaries for my damn self. So, as a Black woman who battles with her own mental health, I have found that disconnecting has helped me work on my own shit. I love the support I get online but I also don’t like the feeling of needing validation from others in order to feel good about myself. This may not be you but it has been a trend in my life at times. For now, I am deactivating my account, in 3 weeks I may reactivate it, or I may wait the full 30 days and allow my account to be irretrievable forever. I don’t know.
My mental health is more important to me than being on certain websites that can stunt my own growth. It is okay to say “this is becoming too much” and dip. There is nothing wrong with doing that. There is also nothing wrong with going away and coming back. Your mental health is important and in order to really grow you have to be realistic with yourself about your weaknesses and lack of self-control when it comes to certain websites that may be filling you with a lot of negativity. The noise can really alter how you grow. It can really test you and your foundation. The noise can make you revert. In order to preserve myself, I have to remove myself from things that can make me revert or at least try my hardest to do so.
The shit just isn’t fun anymore and I am mentally exhausted. How do you disconnect when it all becomes too much? Do you disconnect at all? Comment below with your thoughts!
Come shine with me!
Perform No More
This is the time of year where everyone is figuring out what they have accomplished, going over mistakes they made, and trying to figure out what’s the big goal for next year. There will be vision board parties, new year new me posts on IG, and think-pieces about what to bring into 2018 and what to leave behind in 2017. All of these have a purpose and a place. All of these have significance to someone.
Throughout the year I have tried to find ways to better myself. I have done this through many different modes -- therapy, exercise, diet, friendships, healing, writing, dancing, reading, studying, retreating, reinventing myself..all necessary. One thing I can say I haven’t done is mastered self-preservation. I have found many ways to stay afloat and to exist but I can be honest and say that I have neglected certain things about myself that I need to preserve.
Self-preservation is often tied to extreme things like death or just staying alive.Then there is the flip-side where it can be seen as a way to protect oneself from the outside world and societal/systemic schools of thought that can break a person down. Doing just enough to not end up hurt physically but what about the mind. The mind needs preservation too.
I had a good friend tell me that my “form of self-care was making sure others were doing self-care but what about me?”. Sometimes we can get into the cycles and rhythms of helping others preserve themselves and ignoring the glaring red flags in our mind that we need to preserve ourselves first.
How does this happen? I believe it stems from the need to feel needed, the desire to be wanted, the eagerness to make sure others are doing well. Nothing is wrong with this but in order to really be of service to others, we must first be of service to ourselves.
I had to ask myself the hard-hitting questions. “Are you happy?” “How do you feel physically vs mentally vs emotionally?” “When you wake up do you feel ready for the day?” Let’s just say the answers were not all “love and light” like one would expect. I spent most of my year so concerned with my presentation that I didn’t take time to work on my preservation.
Because of this, I got sick, a lot, and none of my remedies were working as well or as quickly. My lack of mental preservation impacted my physical body. So, I had to do some digging. I had to figure out what I needed to do in order to preserve myself.
I had to first realize that my lack of care for myself was going to kill me and that I really have a lot of work to do in the “attempting to live for others and be perfect” department. Shit can be so toxic and foolish. This I know. I had to secondly realize that the more I ignored the signs of letting go of things the more difficult it would be to really be open to my blessings. And lastly….I had to quit my job.
From here I am not sure of a lot of things but the one thing I am sure of...is my decisions. I know that in order for me to continue to shine I cannot present instead of preserving. I cannot tell others to shine their light if I continue to let my own light dim when I feel weak or scared. This isn’t an empowerment piece, it’s a redirection piece. Shit, we all have moments where we forget how to take care of ourselves. This was my moment of many.
New year new me? Nope. New year, same me, better observation of self, less presenting for others, and grave preservation of self as a WHOLE.
How do you plan to preserve yourself moving forward?
Come shine with me!
Welcome to the #LIGHTSHOW
Compliments are my favorite gift to give. I enjoy making others smile by pointing out the things I admire about them. It can be their smile, style, resilience, intelligence and even their laugh. If I love it, more than likely, I will compliment it. I get joy from watching the light of others beam onto me and how their smiles radiate when I pay them a compliment. That genuine exchange is my favorite form of communication.
It’s so easy to find the good in others and compliment them but at times I find myself struggling to pay myself compliments. Often times we are so busy with the hustle and bustle of the day that we forget to pat ourselves on the back for our achievements. We forget to encourage ourselves and extend kindness.
I am extremely hard on myself, imposter syndrome always catches me slippin’. I find myself doubting my worth and my work. We can be our worst critics, right?
This blog post is a little different, in that, it is a challenge to my readers. I want you all to give yourself the flowers.
Let me explain.
I call this the #LightShow challenge. What we are going to do will bring us so much joy, I promise. On December 1st I want you to write yourself a letter. Encourage yourself, motivate yourself, and pay yourself some damn compliments. In 30 days we will open our letters together. That day, December 31st, 2017, will be our #LightShow. We will shine our lights back onto ourselves so as we embark on 2018 we can illuminate our world. You don’t have to post your letter, you don’t have to even tell me you did it, I just think you deserve to get some flowers.
#LightShow is something that I have been testing on myself in the last 2 months. I started off with texts to myself, then I did emails, and now I, too, will be doing the letter challenge. It has made a world of difference on those days when I need a reminder of who the fuck I AM.
If you are on social media use the hashtag #LightShow when you want to give yourself some flowers. Self-Praise is the BEST praise. Word to @heyfranhey. I am so excited to radiate with you on December 31st, 2017. Let’s light this shit up and relish in our greatness, together!