Perform No More
This is the time of year where everyone is figuring out what they have accomplished, going over mistakes they made, and trying to figure out what’s the big goal for next year. There will be vision board parties, new year new me posts on IG, and think-pieces about what to bring into 2018 and what to leave behind in 2017. All of these have a purpose and a place. All of these have significance to someone.
Throughout the year I have tried to find ways to better myself. I have done this through many different modes -- therapy, exercise, diet, friendships, healing, writing, dancing, reading, studying, retreating, reinventing myself..all necessary. One thing I can say I haven’t done is mastered self-preservation. I have found many ways to stay afloat and to exist but I can be honest and say that I have neglected certain things about myself that I need to preserve.
Self-preservation is often tied to extreme things like death or just staying alive.Then there is the flip-side where it can be seen as a way to protect oneself from the outside world and societal/systemic schools of thought that can break a person down. Doing just enough to not end up hurt physically but what about the mind. The mind needs preservation too.
I had a good friend tell me that my “form of self-care was making sure others were doing self-care but what about me?”. Sometimes we can get into the cycles and rhythms of helping others preserve themselves and ignoring the glaring red flags in our mind that we need to preserve ourselves first.
How does this happen? I believe it stems from the need to feel needed, the desire to be wanted, the eagerness to make sure others are doing well. Nothing is wrong with this but in order to really be of service to others, we must first be of service to ourselves.
I had to ask myself the hard-hitting questions. “Are you happy?” “How do you feel physically vs mentally vs emotionally?” “When you wake up do you feel ready for the day?” Let’s just say the answers were not all “love and light” like one would expect. I spent most of my year so concerned with my presentation that I didn’t take time to work on my preservation.
Because of this, I got sick, a lot, and none of my remedies were working as well or as quickly. My lack of mental preservation impacted my physical body. So, I had to do some digging. I had to figure out what I needed to do in order to preserve myself.
I had to first realize that my lack of care for myself was going to kill me and that I really have a lot of work to do in the “attempting to live for others and be perfect” department. Shit can be so toxic and foolish. This I know. I had to secondly realize that the more I ignored the signs of letting go of things the more difficult it would be to really be open to my blessings. And lastly….I had to quit my job.
From here I am not sure of a lot of things but the one thing I am sure of...is my decisions. I know that in order for me to continue to shine I cannot present instead of preserving. I cannot tell others to shine their light if I continue to let my own light dim when I feel weak or scared. This isn’t an empowerment piece, it’s a redirection piece. Shit, we all have moments where we forget how to take care of ourselves. This was my moment of many.
New year new me? Nope. New year, same me, better observation of self, less presenting for others, and grave preservation of self as a WHOLE.
How do you plan to preserve yourself moving forward?
Come shine with me!
Martyr
It took me 7 days to figure out what to write about. Usually, I have my topics pre-planned but none of them felt right. None of them felt appropriate for this week. I found myself talking a lot about boundaries, friendship, and releasing over the weekend to multiple people. It was evident to me that many of us don’t set boundaries, especially in friendships. We allow ourselves to be a martyr for the sake of friendship.
I vote no.
Boundaries are essential to our everyday life. We need them in order to protect ourselves.
Therapists, healers, “the friend that’s always there”, all need boundaries for those they interact with.
Shit, we all need to set them.
When we don’t set boundaries we find ourselves in situations that really aren’t for us. We find ourselves being used or grouped into traumas that are not our own. We don’t deserve that. We also find ourselves giving so much without receiving that we become resentful. We don’t deserve that either.
I battled for most of my life with setting boundaries. I have found myself being put in compromising situations just for the sake of “being supportive”. I’ll be damned. It took me years of being burned out, secretly resentful, embarrassed and hurt to realize that I am not a martyr. I am not a mother to all. I am not a savior,
I realized, through therapy, that boundaries are important because without them you may become codependent on helping others….which can be manipulative in a way.
My boundaries change from person to person but the overarching "theme" (if you will) is "distance" and not being a "martyr". It hurt at first to set boundaries but I started small. I made myself more available to me than others. I made it clear when I didn’t want to or didn’t have time to do something. “No” became my favorite word. I ended friendships that no longer served me or that were attached to not-so-good people. I stopped going places I didn't want to go, this included family gatherings too.
I still struggle sometimes with boundaries when it comes to meeting new people but I am working harder on discernment and really allowing my inner compass to guide me. If I get a weird feeling about something or someone, it’s a hard stop for me now.
We don’t have to be everything for everybody. We never will be, so we have to stop trying. The only person we can be present for in that capacity is ourselves and even then we need boundaries. I set boundaries for myself, too. I know that I can only drink a little before I find myself drinking too much. I know I have to set boundaries for the environments I allow myself to go to. I know I have to set boundaries for the people I am around so that I don’t end up triggered. We need boundaries for ourselves too.
As the year closes out, I encourage you to reevaluate your relationships. I encourage you to see if you are a martyr and lack boundaries. Are you constantly being disrespected? Are you finding yourself in far too many compromising situations? Dead that shit. Set those boundaries.
It will not be easy but it will save your life. I know boundaries saved mine. Don’t feel guilty if others don’t get it, it’s not for them, it’s for you.
Protect and preserve your energy.
Come shine with me!
Losing My Balance
Anxiety can be paralyzing for some of us. It can feel as if the world is closing in on us and we cannot break free. There are so many ways to manage anxiety on a daily basis and as someone who suffers from it greatly, I have had to work super close with my own therapist to figure out what works and doesn’t work.
My anxiety looks like heart palpitations, crying, self-deprecating thoughts, and blame. If you didn’t know, I suffer from Bipolar 2 and PTSD, so when my anxiety kicks in….it can make me feel as if I am losing it.
This week hasn't been the best for me mentally so I have had to tap into all of my "tools" to manage not only a depressive episode but the anxiety that follows rapidly behind it.
For the last 2 years, I have worked so hard to stay afloat. The journey hasn’t been easy and it’s not a race so there isn’t a “finish line” for me. Sometimes I want to stay in bed, not eat, shower, or even speak to anyone. Other days I want to scream, fight, cry, or disappear. These are just a few of the things I have felt. When I feel these things, I feel like I am losing my balance. I feel like I am outside of myself looking in at someone foreign.
Managing my anxiety is a process and a lot of trial and error. It’s not #SelfCareSunday but I promised you all way before this blog (on Twitter) that I would do a post about anxiety and with the way the world is set up right now, shit….we all need it.
Don’t feel guilty for putting your mental health first.
Here are some ways I manage my anxiety:
Therapy - Therapy has helped me immensely and my therapist has been able to give me coping tools for when shit just ain’t sweet.
Aromatherapy- There are so many scents that can be used to elevate your mood or relax you when you are feeling anxious. Candles, incense, and even essential oils can relax you. The vibrational frequency of essential oils can clear your mind at rapid speed. You can put them in a diffuser or even get a bracelet or necklace to wear the scents. Spray bottles also help.
Top 3: Rose,Lavender, Myrrh. For a complete list look into purchasing Essential Oils Natural Remedies: The Complete A-Z Reference of Essential Oils for Health and Healing or type in your ailment + essential oil blend on Google.
Crystal healing - Crystals also have healing properties. You can meditate with them, wear them, or keep them around to help with your anxiety. Here are some I use for healing my own anxiety and depression.
Music - Creating playlists with soothing sounds, favorite songs, or songs that can change your mood are great for anxiety. I have a few, if you all are interested, I can post them on my Twitter page. (Comment below)
Meditation & Yoga- Both of these allow you to center yourself and be as present as possible. There are so many different types of practices on Youtube or apps for your phone like Insight Timer. I created a short Youtube playlist of some that help me.
Affirmations - Affirmations can be super helpful in times of stress. If you are online as often as I am or use your phone frequently, there are a few ways to find affirmations daily. Shine Text is a great FREE tool that sends you daily inspirational texts. Their twitter page is also padded with awesome uplifting things. Another person I follow who posts daily affirmations is @forevermines, her page is such a breath of fresh air and I can always refer back to it for some affirmations.
There are so many other ways to manage anxiety outside of the 6 listed above. What are some ways that you manage your anxiety? My therapist always tells me that anxiety is fear. I will continue to work hard to make sure that I don't let fear cause me to feel anxious. I hope you will try to do the same.
Come shine with me!
Salvation
I often listen to audiobooks on my morning commute to work. Most of these selections are considered new age, enlightenment, or even self-help. One book, in particular, The Power of Now, has been resonating with me more now than it did when I first read it, chapter 8 specifically. Eckhart Tolle talks about relationships in a way that not only made my head spin but also made me evaluate my own marriage & how I interact with my husband. Tolle also made me think about past relationships with lovers and even friends and how they panned out.
He talks about Salvation, which is a word I used to tie to Christianity solely. When seeking love or seeking refuge we sometimes believe that another person will be that redemption for us. That way of thinking can make us become obsessive and set expectations that are irrational. We have all been there before, chasing unrequited love in hope for salvation or settling for anyone as a friend or lover just to say we have a “person”.
I had a talk with my husband a few days ago about my real thoughts prior to marriage. We talked about societal pressures and confusion. I expressed how I felt like it was the “thing to do” in order to be whole, he felt the same. We then talked about where we are now, a year later, and how as we both go through the journey alone yet together, we can see that we are whole persons and that we do not “complete” each other. That idea of “completion” puts pressures on someone to be “everything” to one person and that is an unrealistic and irrational task. I realize now that the reasons for our marriage were immature but luckily those reasons have drastically changed.
My healing journey sparked the curiosity in my husband. He knows that I cannot be his salvation and I realize that he cannot be mine.
Salvation is not elsewhere in place or time. It is here and now. - Eckhart Tolle
We are both blossoming in our own ways. I am learning who I am as a woman, who is queer, and married to a man and what it means to be present in salvation. He is learning who he is as a man, with a queer wife, and what it means to be present in salvation. We are learning to continue finding refuge in the present and redemption in ourselves. From that we can bring transformation into our marriage without trying to transform each other based on our own egotistical agendas.
Often times I get asked about marriage, love, relationships and I tell people constantly that your love for yourself reigns supreme. In order to blossom you must nurture yourself. Relationships are nice but how are you as a partner to yourself? That is more important, in my opinion.
How you treat yourself is important. It is one of the most important themes of life. How you love yourself is important. Do you treat yourself with the love and compassion you give others? Are you seeking refuge in things and people?
Shit, I know I have and I know I will again and again but I also know that I will gently remind myself that my refuge is within me. We all deserve to find redemption in ourselves, even if it is a lifelong journey.
Have you read The Power of Now? If so, did you like it? I would love to hear your thoughts! Comment below!
Come shine with me!
A Trip Around the Sun
A photo from my last trip to a park before my Solar Return. It was so beautiful. I can't wait to experience parks in the Fall months. (Louise F Cosca Park - Waldorf, Maryland)
Birthdays have always been super important to me. I always celebrate the birth of others as if it was my own. Seeing people make it through another trip around the sun brings me so much joy because many of us deal with things that could have killed us.
For my 27th solar return, I felt a switch. Something in me, as it got closer, became more aware, compassionate, graceful, and gentle. Something in me became more peaceful, expressive, calm, and reflective. Something in me changed.
I did a soul healing while in Charlotte for my birthday. It began with a foot soak and ended with a meditation to open my heart chakra. During this particular meditation, I could feel my heart opening, activating, and inviting love in while releasing love out.
Leading my life with love, compassion, and grace was my only goal for my 26th trip around the sun and for my 27th I want to allow that love, compassion, and grace to glow.
This year for my trip around the sun, I am doing something different, I am setting goals that feed my soul and spirit.
Be Present - Often times I preach being present to others but I forget to do it for myself. For this trip I will continue to focus on the now and not the past or the future.
Speak freely and let my words thump- When we speak we may say things that drop little stones but for this trip I want my words to thump when they hit. I want them to stick, to be intentional, to be powered by higher vibrations and love.
Use sex as a tool and not just an outlet - Studying Sex Magick and Tantra has completely changed my views on what sex is and what sex can do. For this trip around the sun I want to put my studies in motion and practice more intentional sex acts and healings. I also want to provide others with the knowledge and resources to work through their sexual wounds or traumas.
Take care of my physical body- I was so focused during my 26th trip around the sun on taking care of my mind that I forgot to take care of my body. I want to use this trip to create an apothecary in my home and to find remedies for my autoimmune disease & other ailments. I want to be gentle with my body like I am with my mind.
Jump with no fear- I can be quite methodical and tedious in my planning. For this trip around the sun, I want to take the leaps off the cliff of fear and achieve my wildest dreams. I cannot keep hanging off the cliff with one hand, I must let go, fly, and allow my light to guide me.
These are my 5 "soul goals" for this trip around the sun. We all have goals and aspirations but which will feed and serve your soul and spirit? Which will provide you inner peace and push you to lead your life with love?
Comment, email, or tweet me with some of your own "soul goals" for your solar return or just in general. We don't have to wait for a new year of life or a new year to set "soul goals". Start today.
Our “glow up” isn’t a destination it’s an ongoing exploration of who we can become and become again and again in different ways. We take many trips around the sun, let’s make them intentional. Let’s make them self-serving for once.
One of my friends gave me a great idea of sharing some of my self-care tips. So every sunday I will be posting a blog post with a self-care tip. If there is anything you want me to write about, let me know!