deactivate.
It’s Mental Health Awareness Month and I have deactivated my twitter account. Let me explain how it got to this point. Social media is a big influence on our lives. It is can really infiltrate your mind and spirit. I love social media and have dedicated my own academic research to it. I love to study how people use it and how it impacts the minds of those who look like me but I never realized how much it impacted my life until my therapist said something.
We all know by now that what we ingest becomes a part of us. We are not removed from absorbing the energies of others – good or bad. Everyone is inherently good and inherently bad. That’s just the reality of it all. This applies to our social media accounts too.
For the last 3 weeks or so I have been finding myself using Twitter less and less. I have always found myself feeling anxious when certain topics are brought up. I have also felt anger, sadness, and even jealousy in the past. On the flipside, I love networking and talking to people online who have the same interests as me. What has pulled me away from Twitter is the noise. The opinions, commentary, and bickering that comes with having many different types of people on one platform and I am not equipped to handle that – at least not right now.
My friend Ashley had some posts on her IG story where she talked about curating your timeline to align with who you are at that moment. It resonated with me because I have found myself attempting to silence the noise of a timeline I created based on past interests and ties to people I’ve met. At first, I was muting, blocking, and unfollowing people but then that became overwhelming. My therapist has worked very hard with me to stop oversharing online and to also not use social media as a diary. LIFE CHANGING, okay?! Learning to disconnect and keep my personal business – personal, has been helpful – especially when I am dealing with my own mental health. The good days can turn into bad days if I see something that is triggering or if someone is just being negative online. The way we speak about protecting our energy is so beautiful and I think that it applies to your mind and also your social media accounts.
It’s sometimes frustrating to constantly have to filter my social media accounts to make sure it aligns but the work has to be done. In order to grow and continue on my own journey, I have to be realistic about my attachment to social media and the relationship I have with it. There is NOTHING wrong with using social media but I do believe, for myself, it can be a battle of the noise vs. my own inner thoughts and ideas. I have to work on separating the two.
When manic or depressive, social media usually doesn’t help. That is when I over share the most and that is when I can put myself in situations I don’t want to be in. When I am feeling low I don’t want to see certain things but I have always had trouble REALLY disconnecting without finding myself back online. I also have this fear that if I disconnect from Twitter that my blog will go unnoticed or I will not get some of the opportunities I have gotten in the past. My blog has it’s own Twitter but it doesn’t have as big of a following as I do on my personal account. But really, why do I care? SEE, this is why I need to take a break. I need to find out why these things matter in this way. I know what is for me is for me but I still attach that success to my online presence.
It is a big part of our lives and my life but in order to heal, I have to really set some boundaries for my damn self. So, as a Black woman who battles with her own mental health, I have found that disconnecting has helped me work on my own shit. I love the support I get online but I also don’t like the feeling of needing validation from others in order to feel good about myself. This may not be you but it has been a trend in my life at times. For now, I am deactivating my account, in 3 weeks I may reactivate it, or I may wait the full 30 days and allow my account to be irretrievable forever. I don’t know.
My mental health is more important to me than being on certain websites that can stunt my own growth. It is okay to say “this is becoming too much” and dip. There is nothing wrong with doing that. There is also nothing wrong with going away and coming back. Your mental health is important and in order to really grow you have to be realistic with yourself about your weaknesses and lack of self-control when it comes to certain websites that may be filling you with a lot of negativity. The noise can really alter how you grow. It can really test you and your foundation. The noise can make you revert. In order to preserve myself, I have to remove myself from things that can make me revert or at least try my hardest to do so.
The shit just isn’t fun anymore and I am mentally exhausted. How do you disconnect when it all becomes too much? Do you disconnect at all? Comment below with your thoughts!
Come shine with me!
roots.
Poetry month is coming to an end and I honestly have enjoyed every moment of sharing my work with you all. I have a small following of readers and it's a blessing to know that someone is interested in my work and actually finds it helpful in some way.
With everything that has been happening this year in my life unexpectedly, I have found that being outside and planting my feet into the grass is one of the most therapeutic things for me. I have noticed that I am more concise with my words and I am starting to find myself not interested in the things that used to occupy my mind and time. With every moment outside amongst the flowers, birds, trees, and sounds of the wind I find myself becoming more open to the possibility of putting my phone down and allowing myself to become one with the outside -- even if just for a moment.
Being grounded is something I have always struggled with. I often found myself trying to control things that were totally out of my control. Past trauma and pain and "the struggle" are embedded in the fabric of who I am but that didn't mean that I had to be married to those emotions, that pain, and those memories. I was operating out of a place of "I have to struggle in order for my life to mean something" and sometimes I still think that way.
To combat that I force myself outside as a reminder that I do not have control of anything -- except my reactions. I can choose what to keep and what to let go. I can choose what to divorce that is no longer serving me. Being outside is a reminder that as long as I can plant my feet into the ground and allow myself to breathe for a moment that life goes on.
I have been using Twitter less and less daily but I posted something recently that not only resonates deeply with me but seems to resonate with others. I said,
I meant that with every bone and breath in my body. I am really tired of being married to the struggle and to that struggle mentality. I am not a victim anymore. My life will have ups and downs that I cannot control. The only thing I can control is how many moments I can allow myself to go outside, plant my feet into the ground, and breathe freely.
Next month is #MentalHealthAwareness month. I will be taking a hiatus from my personal social media accounts to focus on some inner work for a few weeks. I have some great features for next month's blog from some of my favorite people. Follow the blog's Twitter and Instagram for updates! I will be using those accounts during my hiatus from my personal accounts to keep you all updated on posts.
Poetry month has been a blessing to me. I hope it's been a blessing to you too.
Fin.
Come shine with me!
I AM.
When was the first time someone told you that you were not worthy?
Wow. It’s been almost 2 months since my last blog post and after talking to my homegirl Davia over at Redefine Enough, this question came up and we both agreed that sometimes it isn’t the first time it was said but more so the first time it was felt.
I was small, can’t remember the age, but small. I remember feeling lost and confused. Having the recent death of my beloved father and the funeral arrangements causing what seemed like chaos to me had emotions high, which was expected. Was I worthy enough to ride in the limo that took all of my dad’s kids to and from the funeral? Was I worthy enough to be accounted for in the small half dozen of children he had before he passed? I was small but I can remember that feeling of not being sure if I would be “allowed” to ride due to grown-up issues that, at that time, I did not understand. I can confidently say that at that moment I didn’t feel worthy and that it would be a trend in the years to come of me trying to prove my worth to those around me and even to myself.
Let’s take an empirical look at the word “worth”, like what does that really mean? Not from the dictionary but what does that mean in our world. Worth is something that is talked about a lot, just like self-care, and self-love. We see these words, sometimes attached to only monetary things and then we see lists on how to gain said things or achieve them. I believe I’ve said before that the journey doesn’t end; this applies to all of the above as well. Worth, based on experience, can go from knowing you are purposed to be here because you are here and that being ENOUGH. To depending on someone else or something else to provide that validation that you are purposed to be here. That feeling of seeing the finish line but having it pulled further away as you get closer due to your own “rules” and “guidelines” for being good enough, for being worthy.
My worth was always contingent on accolades. It was based on my grades, extracurricular activities, my hair, my clothes, and my achievements. I believed that in order to be worthy I had to be perfect. I had to go above and beyond, always. I had to push until my arms were weak and then use other body parts to push until I was on my knees and then I would drag myself until I was skin and bones. But then and only then would I feel worthy for just a second in time, a moment of “you did it” and then back to feeling useless.
I am not going to lie to you all but I still find myself wondering if I am worthy. I “know” I am worthy simply because God, the stars, and the universe made it so but do I “believe” I am worthy? Not all the time. It’s really a battle of the mind. A battle of that small child who remembers vividly what it FELT like to feel unworthy not when someone said that she was. I am reassured often that I am worthy but reassurance doesn’t erase the inner-work that has to be done.
I am working on giving myself my flowers, it’s a struggle but “self-praise is the best praise” and even when I give myself flowers and that “you did it” feeling arises – I sometimes can still see her, that small child, wondering if she is “worth” it. I don’t have a profound anecdote for figuring out how to combat the feeling of unworthiness. All I have are these words, my experiences, and this affirmation “I am worthy just because I exist and I will always be worthy just because I Am. ” I hope to say this when I want to push myself past where I should be, when my health isn’t the best and I need assistance on bad days, when I need to sleep instead of working, when I need to retreat, when I need to take a hiatus because life is hard. I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy just because I AM.
You are worthy too, just because you are.
Come shine with me and welcome back!
A Mindset of Discipline (Part One)
I try my hardest to be as organized as possible. I have planners galore, calendar notifications, and apps to assist me in my type a-ish ways. The issue isn’t organizing. The issue for me has always been time management.
Time management is such a key role in really getting shit done. You can write as many to-do lists as you want but if your time management skills are lackluster you will suffer. I know I have suffered greatly. I always got things done but the quality wasn’t half as great as it should have been – in my honest opinion.
There are some things that may flourish under pressure but that type of stress and anxiety can be…team too much. In 2018 I vowed to take on a new level of discipline in my everyday life. Discipline is what helps me have a better grasp at time management. Discipline is literally the glue that holds all that shit together. Without it things can/will fall apart.
So, we are 24 days into the New Year and I have been the most organized in my entire life and I have been really utilizing my 24 hours. My discipline has been extremely on point and I am really proud of myself. This is all wonderful but it is not easy.
Because I have allowed myself to slack off on things in the past like work, school, self-care, even this blog….this has been a challenge. Being consistent with my discipline is an everyday process. I am constantly trying new things and seeing what works and what doesn’t work.
Here are some things that do not work for ya girl:
- Phone reminders
- Alarms
- Multiple Planners
- HELLLLLLLA Project Management Apps
- MULTIPLE Accountability groups
- Excessive social media use
- Imposter syndrome when trying to get shit done (we will talk about this another time)
In the past 24 days, I have realized that those 6 things literally slow me down. I find myself spending more time focused on those things rather than getting shit done.
Here are some things that do work for ya girl:
- ONE planner that I spend every Sunday decorating & organizing for the week
- Trello – This is a project management tool that allows you to create different boards for different projects. I have boards for my finances, classes I teach, personal projects, blogs, and ideas. There is an app for your phone as well.
- Forest App - This app has a Google Chrome extension as well, it allows you to blacklist websites (on chrome) and limits phone use so that you can get things done while planting trees.
- Perspective: Daily Journal App – This has helped me track my moods and journal daily about my day. It is very helpful for those with mental illnesses and any type of chronic illnesses, too. I am able to track my food intake for my autoimmune disease & mental illness, symptoms, and my pain levels.
It may not seem like much but those 4 things have literally kept me in check this month. I realized that sometimes all it takes is a few things to create a mindset of discipline. I can see the difference in how I work day-to-day. I feel more balanced and grounded.
The feeling of discipline, so far, has provided me with so much extra time to do things like reading, writing, and even meditating more. I low-key find myself feeling like I have Beyoncé’s 24 hours daily because I get so much done without feeling super overwhelmed all the time.
This is only part one of my whole new mindset of discipline blog post. I will be coming back in a few months to talk about discipline in my spiritual practice. I am hoping that in 2018 we are all able to provide ourselves with the discipline in our lives that we deserve.
What are some of your favorite ways to stay on track? Do you notice that when you are not being disciplined in your days that shit goes left?
Comment below!
Come shine with me!
Friendships and Friendshits
FIRST THINGS FIRST -- HAPPY NEW YEAR! I MISSED Y'ALL!
I went to an event last Saturday that was an open discussion on a variety of topics. There were women from all different backgrounds there but we all shared one common thing, our Blackness. It was beautiful to be in a room full of women who looked like me, knew what my “looks” meant, and would say “girllll” in unison like a choir. One topic that we talked about that stood out to me most was friendship.
The question went something like this “How important is it to have friends? Do you need friends to live?” The faces across the room said many different things before our lips could even speak. Some said, “What does this even mean?” other faces said “Ummm yeah girl!” and then there were faces that said “What friends?”. The faces invited a very interesting conversation. The panelists all agreed that friendship is important and that we should all have a sister circle, even if it’s small. The audience had other thoughts. Some agreed, some expressed their own situations with toxic friendships, and some just remained silent.
Friendships are so interesting. The definition is not just what we see on dictionary.com , it encompasses our experiences, expectations, and aspirations. It embodies what we value and what we will not put up with. I was so surprised to see that my poll on twitter unanimously had 50+ votes that basically said that we need to have a real ass talk about healthy friendships.
Clearly, we all have had our share of shitty friendships. So what I have done is broken down friendships into four sections. Now, these are the things I think are important in building and maintaining healthy friendships. There are so many more things to add but I am going to focus on communication, discernment, forgiveness, and “the reality”.
Communication: Okay, so boom, we suck at communicating. It’s a fact. Everyone has their own way of expressing themselves and sometimes our communication skills cause the biggest problems in our friendships.
Passive aggressiveness hands down can take a situation from solvable with a quick talk to not speaking to someone for years OR it can lead to bottling up your emotions until you burst. That shit is not fun.
In my own failed friendships, I have noticed that lackluster communication, not having HONEST communication, is usually why shit doesn’t work out. If there is a problem, someone either doesn’t say anything or the receiver doesn’t want to hear what they have to say. This shit is also not fun.
In order to grow in your friendships, you must tend to the garden in your friendships. Are you asking questions? Are you expressing your dislikes with grace and compassion? Are you actually listening or waiting to project your own issues onto them? Your friend is not your therapist, your punching bag, or your journal. Your friend should be someone you can confide in for comfort and support and you should be doing the same.
Forgiveness: Often times when someone does something we don’t like we don’t always tell them and if we do we may meet them with anger, all bad. We get upset, become passive aggressive, or we shut down. That’s not only unfair to you; it’s unfair to your friend. People can’t apologize for things they don’t know that hurt you. Your friends are also not mind readers.
When I was a preschool teacher I would always encourage my students to use their words to express how they feel. I would tell them to use “I feel ____ “ statements. I’ve noticed, in my own friendships, that I am guilty of not always telling my friends when they hurt me. Over the years and through some failed friendships I realized that when I didn't not speak up, things couldn’t be resolved.
Speaking up about what hurts has made it easier for me to forgive. It has also made it easier for me to discern when it’s time to let go. You can forgive a friend and end the friendship too. Forgiveness isn’t a band-aid for a shitty friendship. Forgiveness is for you, honestly. It’s saying that you have healed from the situation and you are releasing that pain. Releasing that pain may come with realizing that you must release that entire friendship or it may make the friendship even stronger but forgiveness must happen.
Your friends are humans and humans make mistakes. Sometimes a friend may say something that triggers something in you they knew nothing about. Talk to them, tell them how you feel, forgive them and based on how that conversation goes – proceed accordingly.
Discernment: I honestly sat on this one for days. Discernment is hands down a thing that we are always polishing and learning how to do better each day. Sometimes we ignore it. Shit, I know I have. Ignoring it is how I ended up in some toxic friendships for years and didn’t even realize it until I was drained and ready to fight everybody. We have to listen to our gut. We have to practice discernment in our friendships daily. Earlier I talked about letting go and discernment is very helpful in making that decision.
Being friends with someone for 15 years is nice but if that friendship involves a level of repetitive drama that literally drains you, let that shit go. Your discernment 15 years ago is not the same as it is now. Some friends you met back in 2017 need to be let go too. Friendships evolve and some dissipate. It is O K A Y. Your intuition and gut are the first red flag, listen to it.
Discernment is also a reminder to mind your business. It’s very easy to want to provide your friend with unsolicited advice, suggestions, and things they didn’t ask for. It’s our way of showing we care but sometimes being quiet, listening, and minding our business is showing we care,too. We can often project what we think would work for our friend's situation because it worked for us. I, too, am guilty of not minding my business in the past and doing too much. Luckily, I have learned to listen to my gut and to be an active listener to my friends.
“The Reality”: I hate to say this, actually I don’t, but some of us are bad friends. That is the reality, the tea, the shade, the whatever you want to call it. The things we demand from others we are not even providing. One thing I also remembered being told growing up was “if you have a problem with all your friends then maybe…JUST MAYBE…you are the problem”. Don’t shoot the messenger, I am just telling you what I was told.
We often forget that we can be the problem in our toxic friendships. It’s not always them, it’s you, and that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. If you want to have healthier friendships, start with what type of friend you are vs. the type of friend you want to have. What you want in a friendship should also be what you are bringing to the friendship. You can’t show up at the dinner table with your fork, plate, and cup but expect your friend to provide all of the food that is needed to nourish that friendship. Show up for your friends, be present, and pour into them as they pour into you. Everyone’s glass should be getting refilled at the same damn time.
It sucks to know that you may be the problem but sometimes we can be shitty friends because of our own mess. We have to turn the mirror on ourselves and really learn how to be a good friend and what being a friend means to us. You can go from being a shitty friend to being a good friend with work. Evaluate your past friendships and see if there was a common thing that went left, hold yourself accountable, and work on changing the parts of you that may be causing the toxicity in your relationships.
Whew, okay, that was a self-drag in four parts. I have been on the good side and the shitty side of friendships. I have been a terrible friend and I have grown to become a better friend. I have let people go and have been let go. It’s never an easy process and yes it hurts terribly but it happens.
What are 4 things that you think are important to remember in a friendship? Comment below and let me know!