Perform No More
This is the time of year where everyone is figuring out what they have accomplished, going over mistakes they made, and trying to figure out what’s the big goal for next year. There will be vision board parties, new year new me posts on IG, and think-pieces about what to bring into 2018 and what to leave behind in 2017. All of these have a purpose and a place. All of these have significance to someone.
Throughout the year I have tried to find ways to better myself. I have done this through many different modes -- therapy, exercise, diet, friendships, healing, writing, dancing, reading, studying, retreating, reinventing myself..all necessary. One thing I can say I haven’t done is mastered self-preservation. I have found many ways to stay afloat and to exist but I can be honest and say that I have neglected certain things about myself that I need to preserve.
Self-preservation is often tied to extreme things like death or just staying alive.Then there is the flip-side where it can be seen as a way to protect oneself from the outside world and societal/systemic schools of thought that can break a person down. Doing just enough to not end up hurt physically but what about the mind. The mind needs preservation too.
I had a good friend tell me that my “form of self-care was making sure others were doing self-care but what about me?”. Sometimes we can get into the cycles and rhythms of helping others preserve themselves and ignoring the glaring red flags in our mind that we need to preserve ourselves first.
How does this happen? I believe it stems from the need to feel needed, the desire to be wanted, the eagerness to make sure others are doing well. Nothing is wrong with this but in order to really be of service to others, we must first be of service to ourselves.
I had to ask myself the hard-hitting questions. “Are you happy?” “How do you feel physically vs mentally vs emotionally?” “When you wake up do you feel ready for the day?” Let’s just say the answers were not all “love and light” like one would expect. I spent most of my year so concerned with my presentation that I didn’t take time to work on my preservation.
Because of this, I got sick, a lot, and none of my remedies were working as well or as quickly. My lack of mental preservation impacted my physical body. So, I had to do some digging. I had to figure out what I needed to do in order to preserve myself.
I had to first realize that my lack of care for myself was going to kill me and that I really have a lot of work to do in the “attempting to live for others and be perfect” department. Shit can be so toxic and foolish. This I know. I had to secondly realize that the more I ignored the signs of letting go of things the more difficult it would be to really be open to my blessings. And lastly….I had to quit my job.
From here I am not sure of a lot of things but the one thing I am sure of...is my decisions. I know that in order for me to continue to shine I cannot present instead of preserving. I cannot tell others to shine their light if I continue to let my own light dim when I feel weak or scared. This isn’t an empowerment piece, it’s a redirection piece. Shit, we all have moments where we forget how to take care of ourselves. This was my moment of many.
New year new me? Nope. New year, same me, better observation of self, less presenting for others, and grave preservation of self as a WHOLE.
How do you plan to preserve yourself moving forward?
Come shine with me!
That New New
This blog has been pushing along for almost 4 months now. I am so amazed and humbled to be able to provide content that resonates with my spirit and the spirit of others. I have been working on trying to create more content and things that will engage you and encourage you.
The creation of this blog happened literally during a meditation session I did with myself. I found myself feeling inadequate in many ways and I felt like I needed to ground myself and allow my heart to guide me. So I did. That guidance led me to this blog. The name You Are A Light stemmed from others reminding me that I was a light in their lives and that always made me feel so loved. I realized that I was only a light because of how brightly they shined on me. It was a reflection of their light and then a reflection of mine.
I had a great talk with someone and we brainstormed about ways to make our blogs better. She gave me so many great ideas and I am so excited to reveal what I have been working on for 2018.
Here we gooooo
- The Confidence Corner: Okay, so boom, I do a lot of readings, intuitive counseling, and advice giving to those I love. I value being compassionate and willing to lend an ear to those who need me and providing positive advice to those who request it of me. I have decided to start this new section of my blog so that I can be of service to anyone who needs some unbiased positive reinforcement. The Confidence Corner is an anonymous question -- answer section where I will provide advice and suggestions for our day to day problems. It's like Dear Abby but not really. My goal is to uplift and encourage.
- How I Got Over: Every month starting in January I will be featuring women and men who have overcome something through a means of therapy, writing, art, entrepreneurship, etc. These short interviews will allow them to tell their story but also provide wisdom for all of us who can relate to them and what they have been through.
- Light-Mail: I am starting an email chain. Yeah, you read that right. Every month I will choose 5 subscribers to start an email chain with me. The chain will go a little something like this: I will send an encouraging email to someone, they will send it on to the next, and so on, and so on, until the chain comes back to me. I am doing this so that we can keep the #LIGHTSHOW going by giving flowers to people we may or may not know. It is completely optional, of course.
I am super excited to start 2018 with these new ideas and I hope that they will enhance your experience whenever you come to my blog. Do you have any ideas or things you'd like to see me do next year on here? Comment below or email me! I would LOVE to hear your ideas! This is OUR blog so I have to make sure we are alllllll benefiting from it.
Come shine with me!
DIY #SelfCareSunday
My Beautiful Light...
I hope this week has been just as beautiful as you are. To get you through the next week, here's a #SelfCareSunday tip that I like to use.
Baths are one of my favorite free self-care things to do. They can be relaxing and calming, especially after a long day. I have always looked at baths as a way to renew myself and release my problems. I make every bathtime special by having my favorite candles, music, and maybe even a glass of wine. This week I decided to take time and create something to enhance my baths.
Baths are my greatest form of self-care and where my best ideas come to light. It’s also where I lay my burdens down and release my pain. It cleanses my spirit and renews my soul. Every..single...time.
I have an auto-immune skin disease so taking baths is soothing to my skin. I usually add lavender, coconut oil, and Epsom salt. It's always soothing but I felt like there had to be a way to combine these things into a bath melt. I headed to my favorite app, Pinterest, to find out if this was indeed a thing...IT WAS. So I took to being a DIYer again and made my own.
I got my ingredients together (most I already had or ordered from Amazon. S/O to Prime)! It was super simple to make and has made bathtime that much easier. Pinterest had a slew of bath melt recipes and I plan on experimenting more.
Do you have any bathtime essentials? If so, comment below! I am always looking for ways to make my routine baths even better.
It's really a blessing how something as simple as a hot bath can relax the body,clear the mind, and calm the spirit.
Welcome to the #LIGHTSHOW
Compliments are my favorite gift to give. I enjoy making others smile by pointing out the things I admire about them. It can be their smile, style, resilience, intelligence and even their laugh. If I love it, more than likely, I will compliment it. I get joy from watching the light of others beam onto me and how their smiles radiate when I pay them a compliment. That genuine exchange is my favorite form of communication.
It’s so easy to find the good in others and compliment them but at times I find myself struggling to pay myself compliments. Often times we are so busy with the hustle and bustle of the day that we forget to pat ourselves on the back for our achievements. We forget to encourage ourselves and extend kindness.
I am extremely hard on myself, imposter syndrome always catches me slippin’. I find myself doubting my worth and my work. We can be our worst critics, right?
This blog post is a little different, in that, it is a challenge to my readers. I want you all to give yourself the flowers.
Let me explain.
I call this the #LightShow challenge. What we are going to do will bring us so much joy, I promise. On December 1st I want you to write yourself a letter. Encourage yourself, motivate yourself, and pay yourself some damn compliments. In 30 days we will open our letters together. That day, December 31st, 2017, will be our #LightShow. We will shine our lights back onto ourselves so as we embark on 2018 we can illuminate our world. You don’t have to post your letter, you don’t have to even tell me you did it, I just think you deserve to get some flowers.
#LightShow is something that I have been testing on myself in the last 2 months. I started off with texts to myself, then I did emails, and now I, too, will be doing the letter challenge. It has made a world of difference on those days when I need a reminder of who the fuck I AM.
If you are on social media use the hashtag #LightShow when you want to give yourself some flowers. Self-Praise is the BEST praise. Word to @heyfranhey. I am so excited to radiate with you on December 31st, 2017. Let’s light this shit up and relish in our greatness, together!
Come shine with me!
Martyr
It took me 7 days to figure out what to write about. Usually, I have my topics pre-planned but none of them felt right. None of them felt appropriate for this week. I found myself talking a lot about boundaries, friendship, and releasing over the weekend to multiple people. It was evident to me that many of us don’t set boundaries, especially in friendships. We allow ourselves to be a martyr for the sake of friendship.
I vote no.
Boundaries are essential to our everyday life. We need them in order to protect ourselves.
Therapists, healers, “the friend that’s always there”, all need boundaries for those they interact with.
Shit, we all need to set them.
When we don’t set boundaries we find ourselves in situations that really aren’t for us. We find ourselves being used or grouped into traumas that are not our own. We don’t deserve that. We also find ourselves giving so much without receiving that we become resentful. We don’t deserve that either.
I battled for most of my life with setting boundaries. I have found myself being put in compromising situations just for the sake of “being supportive”. I’ll be damned. It took me years of being burned out, secretly resentful, embarrassed and hurt to realize that I am not a martyr. I am not a mother to all. I am not a savior,
I realized, through therapy, that boundaries are important because without them you may become codependent on helping others….which can be manipulative in a way.
My boundaries change from person to person but the overarching "theme" (if you will) is "distance" and not being a "martyr". It hurt at first to set boundaries but I started small. I made myself more available to me than others. I made it clear when I didn’t want to or didn’t have time to do something. “No” became my favorite word. I ended friendships that no longer served me or that were attached to not-so-good people. I stopped going places I didn't want to go, this included family gatherings too.
I still struggle sometimes with boundaries when it comes to meeting new people but I am working harder on discernment and really allowing my inner compass to guide me. If I get a weird feeling about something or someone, it’s a hard stop for me now.
We don’t have to be everything for everybody. We never will be, so we have to stop trying. The only person we can be present for in that capacity is ourselves and even then we need boundaries. I set boundaries for myself, too. I know that I can only drink a little before I find myself drinking too much. I know I have to set boundaries for the environments I allow myself to go to. I know I have to set boundaries for the people I am around so that I don’t end up triggered. We need boundaries for ourselves too.
As the year closes out, I encourage you to reevaluate your relationships. I encourage you to see if you are a martyr and lack boundaries. Are you constantly being disrespected? Are you finding yourself in far too many compromising situations? Dead that shit. Set those boundaries.
It will not be easy but it will save your life. I know boundaries saved mine. Don’t feel guilty if others don’t get it, it’s not for them, it’s for you.
Protect and preserve your energy.